CONFESSION:

Note: As you probably noticed, the blog has a new name! Love, Kalli is now known as A Minnesota Twenty-Something.

Today, I'm going to share probably the lamest thing about me. It's embarrassing. Like, ridiculously embarrassing.

I, Kalli Peterson, used to lay awake at night and cry about the fact that I was a single twenty-something.

Sob. Bawl. Weep. Literally tears running down my face. Big, fat, crocodile ones.

This was all going on about a year ago. I thought I should have all of my crap together by that point. Because I was 21 and it was time to be a grown up, ya know, and everything should be working out just perfectly.

Haha. Hahahahaha.

Maybe I felt this way because I foolishly believed that everyone else in the existence of the whole universe was dating someone.

Maybe it was because, if you compare me to my mother, I would have a toddler and a newborn right now. Doesn't boyfriend ---> husband ---> baby daddy? (by the way, I was chatting with my goddaughter's mother and she was talking about how Brooky had to go up a nipple size on her bottle. Like a moron, I looked at her with a simply astonished look on my face and told her that, "I didn't know there were different nipple sizes!" Yeah, definitely not ready to parent).

And MAYBE it was because of my personal favorite: "Kalli, your biological clock is ticking. I would like to be a grandfather SOMEDAY." - Noel Peterson

For whatever reason, it really bothered me. Simply put, I had a fear of being single forever. If it wasn't happening now, it wasn't ever going to happen. EVER. It would come on randomly (I wasn't wallowing in my pity constantly. Just occasionally). I would just start tearing up and I'd curl into the fetal position and just keep thinking, "What's so bad about me?" or even worse, "Why does that dumb
bword have a boyfriend, and I don't?"

And then one day, I just decided to be happy. Because there's no good reason why I shouldn't be. I have two eyes that [kind of] work, two feet, two hands, family that loves me, friends I can't get enough of, I have the means to go to school, I'm able to work, and I can sit on the front porch every night and pet my dog. Seriously, the grass is greener where you water it. It's all about your perspective.

Please, please keep in mind that I am not looking for sympathy here (you know what they say...you can find "sympathy" in the dictionary between "shit" and "syphilis"). I'm not looking for you to tell me that someone somewhere out there will show up someday and will love me just as I am with all his heart and blah blah blah. If it's sposed to happen, it will. If not, well, it's like I always tell my friend Sarah, "Trust me, I know how great I am. I don't need anyone to reassure me of that." ;)

2010. Joel kind of got in the picture. That's his hand covering Nath's face.

But the point I want to make here is this:

My whole life, the only thing I've ever been certain of is that I want to be a mom. Because my mom was awesome. Is awesome. And I wanna be just like her. I still do. I'm a girl. I already have my children named. And they're each going to know the struggle of not being able to find a personalized keychain at The Walmart.

She had to give up a lot to be a good mom to me and Bailey when she was my age. Like a lot. Like be almost totally selfless (not that I'm saying that's the approach you should take to parenting. You still need to do things for yourself, right?) And she was ready for it, because that was God's plan for her. Clearly God wants me to be fun. Ok God, if you're gonna twist my arm...

This weekend...I was so happy to not have to be at home with two little ones, like my mother would have been. And I was happy to be able to make my own choice on where I wanted to go. And to leave when I wanted to leave, and spend time with who I wanted to spend time with. I'm not knocking anyone who has a spouse or a family at the age of 22, or 18, or 19, 20, 21. I have plenty of friends who are embarking on the starting-their-own-families adventure. I think that's awesome! I do! You'll be the young, cool parents when your kids are in high school.

Anyways...I can't believe being single (and, really, childless) used to bother me so much. How fricking stupid. I know these times I will get together with almost all of my friends from high school are limited. We're only 4 years out of school and it's still hard to get everyone in one place at the same time. I wouldn't trade it for the world. There is honestly nothing else I'd rather be doing right now. So why not enjoy it, be happy, and quit worrying?! And, frankly, if I do have children someday, I don't envision myself being okay with getting home just as the sun is coming up. Which may or may not have happened Saturday night.

Now if only someone could reassure my poor father that my biological clock is not going tick-tock, that'd be great.

Love,

Kalli