3-month pump checkup.

Remember back in my second post EVER where I ranted and raved about how wonderful the omnipod is? Well, I wish I could take it back...here's why...

First things first...

I really hate going to the doctor. Well, that's not entirely true -- I love going to the dentist (weird, I know) and even though I hate having my eyes checked out, I love my eye doctor. So really, I just hate these nerve-wracking diabetes checkups. I think the reason why I hate (nay, DREAD) them is because I have almost always dealt with people who are NOT diabetics and therefore don't have ANY idea what it's like to HAVE diabetes.

For example, let's talk low blood sugars (or, blood gulcoses).

For one thing, it's hard to describe how they feel, and, more than that, it's different for every diabetic out there. I guess for me, it's kind of like being really, really drunk. I can get shaky, kind of dizzy, sweaty, giggly, klutzy, or any combination of these (like I said, really really drunk). And, sometimes, I just feel OFF.

But...the biggest symptom, one that hits me almost every time?

Uncontrollable munchies (see, I told you it was like being drunk!) When you have a low blood glucose, you have too much insulin in your body. Insulin makes you hungry. I would say (in my case -- like I said, it's different for everyone) about 90% of these low blood sugars occur in the middle of the night around 2am. So, I'm laying there peacefully sleeping, and, all of the sudden, I'm awoken from my deep slumber. I stick a blind hand out towards my night stand, usually knocking over my glasses, water bottle, and whatever book I'm currently reading in the process. Once I find my phone, I note the time, and it is about this time that I realize that I am having a low blood sugar. I turn on my lamp and check my blood glucose -- 48. Pretty low. I stumble up the stairs and by the time I hit the last step, I am FLIPPIN' HUNGRY. Seriously starvin' Marvin, I tell ya. So I eat everything I see...it can be anything. A peanut butter sandwich, a big bowl of Cheerios, some chocolate chips (my mom just loves when I do that -- she always says she knows when my blood sugar was low in the middle of the night because I leave a trail of chocolate chips like Hansel and Gretel), crackers, pretzels, fruit snacks, a couple granola bars, an ice cream sandwich. You know, whatever. Lots of carb-heavy stuff. So, I eat. And eat. And eat. And eat. Which totally blows any healthy eating or working out I've done during the day. Finally, after I have eaten enough to stop the shaking, I fall into a food-induced coma.

I wake up 4 hours later, and guess what?! My blood glucose is 372! No shocker there. And I KNOW it's coming. And I don't care because at the time, I just wanted the yucky feeling to stop. I don't need some doctor that has never walked a mile in a diabetic's shoes (or even 10 feet) to lecture me about being patient and waiting 15 minutes after having just the peanut butter sandwich to recheck my blood sugar. Honestly, I don't have time for that, especially when I feel like my heart is going to explode out of my chest while I'm laying around, not getting any sleep, waiting for my blood sugar to return to a normal level. I have a job that I have to get up at 6:30 for every day, and I need my sleep (for my sake and for everyone else that has to see me that day).

Low blood sugars during the middle of the day are almost always a different story, because I can feel them coming on (unlike in the middle of the night when it's like BAM!) so I have more control and don't overeat. Honestly, when I am woken up like that, I'm already half delirious because my sleep has been interrupted.

So. Back to the appointment.

I'll admit, I went into it with a bad attitude. For starters, I wasn't able to see my regular doctor (that I've been seeing for years now) because my original appointment had landed on a blizzard day, and she wanted me to see someone before my birthday. She will stop seeing me after I turn 21 (15 more days, whoop whoop!) because she's in Peds. This is the same doctor who has seen me at my all-time-diabetic low (A1C's of 10+), my parents' separation, high school and college, watched me succeed (having blood glucoses averaging 130).

More than not being able to see my regular doctor, however...it has been 80 days with the pump, and it still hasn't won me over. When it works, it's awesome! And when it doesn't work, well...it's really, really bad. At least before when I was doing injections, I KNEW I was getting insulin in me. Now the few times it has leaked or occluded or had an error of any sort, I don't necessarily know how much of what I ate was covered for. I feel like I have to think about my diabetes waaaaay more now than even when I first had to learn the ins and outs of the disease 11 years ago. I feel limited in a way I've never felt before. I have to sleep in a certain position depending on where my pod is. Sometimes, it's uncomfortable to wear my seat belt, or, when I'm out doing chores lifting bales and or water buckets, I get kind of a sharp pinch from the pod. At the Bulldog-Beaver game over my brother's hockey districts in Bemidji, I was playing that silly chuck-a-puck game in between periods. Well, evidently, I chucked my puck too hard, and the pod I was wearing on my arm FELL OFF. Really? So, this got me thinking about all the things I WON'T be able to do BECAUSE of the omnipod. Will I be able to go tubing this summer? Be a dancing fool? Trip on the ice with hurting nothing more than my pride (hey, it could still happen -- it's pretty chilly out there!) What if I want to go cliff diving one day? Or...am I going to have to hold back -- something I have NEVER had to do -- from doing whatever the **** I want because of this great, new-and-improved insulin technology? Because I will go back to the pens in a heart beat if that's how it's going to be.

Basically, I just want someone to convince me it's going to get better, and I haven't been convinced of that yet. And, apparently, it's not simple to go back to the pens. There's a long process with insurance companies and blah, blah, blah. I stopped listening after I heard the words "insurance companies." I have always been able to tell myself, "It could be so much worse; I could have cancer, I could have MS, I could have Alzheimer's, I could be blind, wheel-chair bound, deaf..." I have never HATED my diabetes. I've always accepted it, never ignored it, ever since the day I was diagnosed. It has been extremely hard to stay positive in the last few months, and the pod is to blame.

I'd like to mention, however, that the woman I did see was a real sweetheart, and she did seem genuinely sympathetic towards me. My A1C was down from last time (8.9 to an 8.3); she liked my numbers from the last 2 weeks and my averages were nothing to sneeze at (7-day 161, 14-day 173, 30-day 181).

Woof. Sorry this wasn't the most cheerful post. On the bright side, it was a Mom-Kalli day, and we had a lot of fun together!

Love,

Kalli