So, I met my new diabetes doctor on Monday! She's awesome. I love her already.
However, because I am a loopy-swoopy flippin' emotional roller coaster lately (probably because of an uneven blood sugar), some tears were shed at my appointment.
I told her that I wanted to get off the pump, and she asked me why. I told her the same things that I have been carrying on to my blog readers about for the last 5 months - it makes me feel self-conscious, it's in the way, I don't like it hanging off me, when it works it's awesome, when it doesn't it's really bad, etc. She told me that it usually takes a person about 9 months to get used to it, and that she knows it is a very frustrating process.
Then she asked if I could just keep trying it for just three more months. Or just one more month.
Yeah, that's when I started tearing up. Like a big baby. I still feel like such a moron about it.
My mom was sitting there with me, and she rubbed my back while she told the doctor that in the 11 years since I've been diagnosed, she had never once heard me complain, whine, and hate the diabetes before...until I got the pump. And she's right. Diabetes was always something I just accepted, because that's what you have to do when you're diagnosed with it. When I was first diagnosed, I remember my mom telling me, "If you don't like something, change it. If you can't change it, learn to live with it." I've had it for the last 11 years, and I will have it for the next 60. It is what it is.
My A1C reflected on my up-and-down blood glucose levels - 8.6. For those of you who don't know, your A1C is comparable to your kid's report card. It's a GPA of all your blood glucose checks for the last 3 months. Being 8.6 means I was running an average blood glucose of about 229 - not good. It could've been worse though; it has been worse than that before. Like up in the 10's. I'm supposed to aim for the 80-120 range, although the doctors would be okay with me being anywhere from 80 to 160, I think. That would put me in the 6's and 7's.
The doc told me it was okay that I want to be rid of the pump, and to not feel bad. She said it's my body and my diabetes and I need to treat it how I see fit. I had successfully achieved an A1C of lower than 8.0 before on injections, and I can do it again.
You might be wondering what the cause of my high A1C was. Sure, it was partially that my pump would malfunction and "occlude" and all those other boring things you don't want to know about, but I was to blame, too. I got lazy. I ate my feelings. I laid around my house, moping and feeling sorry for myself. I simply didn't care anymore if I felt like crap all the time. My attitude was bad. I kind of forgot that it is what it is.
Anyway...back to the pens I go! And happily so. Would I try the pump again? Maybe, in the distant future; it would have to be perfected quite a bit though, as I'm very turned-off by it right now.
Love,
Kalli
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